everything I want to say to you ends with an apology (I'm sorry)
by sableu
Summary: He'd always prided himself on being a big brother. He talked about it all the time since he got his memories back. What kind of big brother was he, though? The kind that abandoned his little brother for twelve years and then hurt him terribly, apparently.


It was their second day sailing together. Sabo was surprised by how well he'd been received by the Straw Hat crew, and how easily he'd fallen back into that friendly rhythm he'd had with Luffy and Ace when they were kids- eating together, telling each other stories, wrestling- it was as If the past twelve years had never happened. It was the happiest he'd been in a while.

Those twelve years _had_ happened, though. He had to keep that in mind. Luffy was still a lot like he had been when he was little, but he wasn't little anymore. He was the captain of his own crew now, and a very competent one at that. He'd taken down everything from marine commanders to Shichibukai. He'd taken down Donquixote Doflamingo, for heaven's sake. He wasn't exactly a weak crybaby anymore.

That was why Sabo finally gave in to his pleadings for them to spar. They'd rolled around a bit of course, put each other in headlocks and shoved each other in the struggle for food at mealtime, but they hadn't had a legitimate match yet.

"Please! I wanna actually spar! That way we can find out which one of us is stronger," Luffy begged.

Sabo snorted. "You really think there's any question? Of course I'm stronger than you. You never won against me once when we were kids, and that's not going to change."

"Yeah it is! I've trained lots over the years. You saw me do Gear Fourth, didn't you? Wasn't it awesome?"

If he was honest, Gear Fourth had worried Sabo more than anything else. There was no way that using it didn't take a toll on Luffy's body, and after hearing what Iva-san had told him about how much Luffy had shortened his own lifespan in his attempts to save Ace, the thought of anything hurting Luffy's body any more than it had already been hurt upset him.

He knew it was better not to bring that up, though. Ace had always teased him and called him a worrywart.

" _Luffy will be fine,"_ he would say whenever the boy had vanished for longer than usual. " _He's Luffy_." And he was never wrong. A little banged up, maybe, but Luffy would always return from the forest with a smile on his face and a story to tell about how he'd fallen in a sinkhole or had been carried off to a bird's nest.

"Gear Fourth _was_ pretty badass," Sabo admitted, punching Luffy's shoulder.

"Right? So we can spar for real! Sure, you have Ace's powers now, but I can counteract them with haki! I know how!"

Sabo realized he was never going to hear the end of it otherwise, so he finally agreed. If nothing else, it could be a teachable moment.

The next day the Sunny docked on a small uninhabited island. Most of the crew spread out on the sand near the ship, reading in the sunlight or splashing around in the waves. Sabo and Luffy, however, jogged together to a far beach to spar.

They started by throwing punches. Unlike when they were kids, when their fights mostly consisted of them just punching each other until one of them surrendered, now they were practically unable to lay a hit on each other. They were both fast and both capable of using observation haki, so they could quickly and accurately dodge each other's moves.

"This is no fun," Luffy said when Sabo ducked out of the way of his sixth attempt at Gomu Gomu no Pistol.

Sabo smirked. "Is it not? Then try and actually hit me for once."

Luffy mimicked his challenging smile. "All right!"

Luffy sprung backwards, his flip-flops burning skid marks into the sand. He balled his fists, hardening them with armament haki.

"Gomu Gomu no Gatling!"

Suddenly a barrage of fists was coming straight for Sabo. He managed to jump out of the way, but not before being caught in the side by one of the punches, making him land awkwardly and stumble. He was barely able to regain his balance and harden his own arms in time to block a powerful roundhouse kick.

"Now that's more like it!" he yelled.

He could hear his heart pounding in ears, like it did whenever he got into a difficult battle. He curled his fingers into claws, feeling his body catch fire.

They fought wildly for the next half hour, neither of them tiring or letting up. Sabo felt himself buzzing with energy. It'd been a long time since he'd been allowed a decent one-on-one fight; most of his missions for the Revolutionary Army were undercover and didn't involve fighting at all, or if they did it was against legions of marine foot soldiers who didn't stand a chance against him.

It was nice to be able to fight someone who actually got his blood pumping again, so much so that he almost forgot he was fighting his own brother. His baby brother who used to be so weak but who was now standing in front of him so strong and grown up.

"Is that all you've got?" Luffy taunted him, looking as ecstatic as a kid at an amusement park.

"Give me a break." Sabo spat out blood and gave him a toothy smile. "You haven't seen anything yet."

A part of him had been holding back slightly until that moment, but with Luffy's challenge his vision blurred and he leaped forward, caught up in the heat of the battle.

"Dragon claw fist!"

He shot his hand toward Luffy with as much speed and power as he could muster. He grinned as it collided with Luffy's chest, slamming him backward into the cliff side.

For a moment he kept smiling, filled with the adrenaline of the fight and the pride of landing a strong blow, but then the smile slowly slipped off his face.

Luffy wasn't getting up.

The realization hit Sabo like a freight train. He froze in place. Luffy was lying in the sand completely limp, his eyes rolled back into his head and his mouth open.

"Luffy…?" Sabo said. "Hey, wake up!"

Luffy, of course, did not respond. For some reason, all of the training Sabo had gotten from other revolutionaries on how to assist an unconscious person completely vacated his mind. All he could think about in the moment was that his baby brother looked dead and that it was his fault.

Sabo started to tremble. "Wh-why- why did I- How could I-"

 _How could I do this to him?_ That was what he was trying to ask, but he couldn't get the words out. He dropped to his knees. "I'm so sorry, Luffy."

He'd always prided himself on being a big brother. He talked about it all the time since he got his memories back. What kind of big brother was he, though? The kind that abandoned his little brother for twelve years and then hurt him terribly, apparently. He felt like he was going to throw up. He'd known he wasn't perfect, but this was on another level.

His skin crawled as though there was a beast underneath it, a beast that hissed and growled and _hurt Luffy._

"Crybaby."

Sabo was jolted out of his thoughts by a shaky voice coming from beneath him. He looked down.

Luffy was awake and giving him a confused smile, his head tilted questioningly. He sprung to his feet, swayed dizzily for a moment, then said, "Why is Sabo crying?"

Sabo hadn't even noticed the tears that had apparently entered his eyes. He wiped them away quickly, struggling to regain his composure. "It's just the sand. Are you all right there?"

"Uh-huh!" Luffy said. "I'm kind of sad, though."

"…Sad?"

"I really thought that after all my training, I could beat you! But you completely flattened me with one hit. I guess I shouldn't have expected any less! I mean, you're my big brother, of course you're super cool and strong!"

Sabo didn't feel very cool at the moment. He had to struggle to keep his hands from shaking, and he could still feel the pressure of Luffy's chest against his fingers like a warning, a reminder that he wasn't really a good brother at all.

"Still, that was really fun!" Luffy said. "Don't you think so?"

"Y-yeah."

"We should do it again sometime!"

"I don't know, Luffy-"

"Come on, you can't beat me and then not let me at least have a rematch! You, Ace and me used to fight a hundred times a day, remember?"

"Yeah, I remember." _That was back when I wasn't strong enough to hurt you._

Since he was trained by Dragon and rose to power in the Revolutionary Army, his strength had been one of his favorite attributes. There weren't many people in the world who were a match for him, and that made him happy.

Or rather, it used to make him happy. At the moment he was wishing he could take it all back. What good was status or power if it meant harming the one person he wanted most to protect?

Luffy cocked his head at him. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing," Sabo said. "We should get back to your ship. Your crew's probably wondering where you are."

"Right!"

Luffy bounded off across the beach, looking for the life of him like the past thirty minutes hadn't even happened. It didn't make Sabo feel any better. He couldn't get the image of Luffy lying unconscious out of his head. He'd looked so lifeless. What if Sabo had killed him? Had placed the hit a little closer to his heart and stopped its beating? The idea that he might have come at all close to murdering Luffy made him want to cut off his own hands.

 _You can't come close to that again,_ he thought as he watched Luffy cheerfully fooling around with his nakama. _You can't ever risk that happening, even if it means never touching him again._

The cook prepared a huge feast for them a few nights later, as he often did. The food was some of the best Sabo had ever tasted, and he couldn't resist reaching for the biggest piece of meat on the plates. Meat wasn't even his favorite food, but it looked so irresistible.

"Sabo! How could you!?" came Luffy's inevitable cry of dissent. Of course he'd wanted the biggest piece of meat to himself.

Sabo smirked at him. "What's up?"

Luffy growled and catapulted himself over to Sabo to steal the meat. At the last moment, Sabo side-stepped deftly and Luffy crashed into the wall instead. He bounced up again and fell into fighting stance. "Hand it over, nii-chan, you jerk!"

"All right, all right." Sabo tossed the meat at Luffy.

Luffy caught it, blinking at him. "Huh?"

"What's that look for? I gave you it, didn't I? I expected some gratitude."

"Yeah, but…you're not gonna fight back at all?"

Sabo shrugged. "I don't like meat as much as you, so you deserve to have it."

"That's not the point!" Luffy pouted. "When we were with Ace, we always used to fight over food all the time, just 'cuz it was fun. Whether you want it most or not doesn't matter! It matters because whoever gets the most food is the winner!"

"Sheesh, Luffy. I didn't know it meant that much to you," Sabo said, noting how genuinely upset Luffy seemed by being handed the meat.

Luffy bit his lip. "It's not…that. Or, it's not just that. Sabo…you've been avoiding me this entire past week, haven't you?"

"What?"

"I mean, when I wanna come talk to you or wrestle with you, you make an excuse and leave half the time," Luffy said. He swallowed. "If you don't want to spend time with me, just say so."

"Why wouldn't I want to spend time with you?"

"You won't even let me hug you! What am I supposed to believe?" Luffy paused, quivering, and averted his eyes to the floor. It was unnerving to see him look away, since he usually had such an outright stare. "I get it."

"…You do?" Sabo was startled. Had Luffy actually noticed Sabo's guilt over what happened in their last fight?

"You don't like me anymore."

Sabo was completely taken aback. "What the- Luffy-"

"It's understandable. 'Cuz you and Ace were best friends long before we met, right? And I, I'm the reason he…it's my fault he…I get it if you blame me for that," Luffy said quietly.

Sabo felt his blood run cold. "Luffy, what the hell are you on about?! You can't really think I believe you're responsible for Ace's death. If that was anyone's fault, it definitely wasn't yours. I would never blame you for it."

"Really?"

"I promise. The thought never even crossed my mind. If I blame anyone it's myself, and the marines, and the entire World Government system, but not you. _Never_ you."

Luffy frowned. His eyes were still on the ground. "Then why don't you like me?"

There was so much Sabo wanted and needed to say that it was difficult to say anything at all. "No! No no no no no, Luffy, I like you so much," he choked. "You're my baby brother and I love you, you should know that. I could never dislike you."

Luffy perked up slightly upon hearing this, but his expression remained unsure. "So…you don't not wanna hug me or wrestle with me because you don't like me?"

"Of course not. I only avoided you because…I just don't want to hurt you."

Luffy stared at him. "Hurt me?" he repeated, tilting his head.

Of course the idea seemed ridiculous to Luffy. He'd survived countless blades, punches, poisons and copious amounts of blood loss. A hug, on the other hand, had seemingly no danger involved at all. A brotherly brawl couldn't touch someone that powerful.

But Luffy hadn't seen himself. Couldn't see his own limp body as it appeared in front of Sabo's eyes whenever he closed him, looking so delicate, so breakable. He couldn't understand the horror and fear Sabo had felt stabbing his heart. The fear that it had happened all over again, and by his own hands.

It was Sabo's turn to look away, unable to face those big dark eyes that were begging him for an explanation. What explanation was there to give that wouldn't make it seem like Sabo was patronizing him, calling him weak? He knew full well how strong Luffy was, it just didn't make him feel any better.

"Sabo, what is it? Just tell me. Tell me, or…leave. Because I don't want you to have to stay here if you're like this."

Sabo shook himself at those words. No, he didn't want to go. He didn't want to leave again, not with Luffy feeling the way he felt. The only reason Sabo'd been able to leave him at Dressrosa at all was because he'd felt confident Luffy would find solace in the knowledge that yes, he was out there, and yes, he loved him, even if he couldn't always stick around.

If he was going to leave, it was going to be when Luffy understood and had no doubts about how much his remaining brother cared for him, and not a moment earlier.

"It's about that match we had. When I knocked you unconscious during it…It was only for a moment, but it really scared me," Sabo said. He tugged at his cravat, feeling vaguely uncomfortable. He and his brothers had never been the type to talk about their feelings often- but they always did when it was really necessary, and he knew it was necessary now. "I was afraid I hurt you."

"Huh? But I'm fine!" Luffy said. He hopped up and down, apparently as a demonstration of how fine he was.

"I know you are," Sabo said, laughing lightly. "You were fine that time, but I started thinking about it and I got worried that it might happen again, and then you wouldn't be fine. I'm just…really sorry, and I really, really don't want to do anything that might hurt you, Luffy."

Luffy crossed his arms and looked aggressively concentrated, thinking over Sabo's words.

"We're brothers," the boy said finally, and smiled at him. "Sometimes brothers do things on accident like hurt each other. Remember that time on Mount Corvo, when I was training and you were standing up in the trees? I hit the branch you were standing on with my punch by accident. It broke, and you fell all the way down."

"…Yeah, I remember."

"I was really scared then, too, so I get it. And upset. You limped for like, a week after that. I thought you'd be super mad at me, but you told me it was okay," Luffy said.

Sabo smiled and shook his head slightly. "Yeah, I did. This isn't about a sprained ankle, though, Luffy. I know you're a lot stronger now, but so am I. I could really hurt you."

"Hmph, I'd like to see you try."

"Luffy, I'm serious!"

Luffy crossed his arms. "Nothing I've ever done since I left our home when I was seventeen wasn't risky, Sabo. Risk is fun! It's not an adventure without risk! If fighting with you and hugging you means I might get hurt, that's a risk I'm gonna take!"

"Oi, no, Luffy-"

Before Sabo could stop him, Luffy had engulfed him in a hug, wrapping his rubbery arms several times around Sabo's middle. "I can't become pirate king if I can't hug my own brother, can I?"

"I…guess not," Sabo said weakly, his ability to speak slightly restricted by the amount his ribs were being crushed.

After a while Luffy finally broke away from him and looked him in the eyes. "So you're really not mad at me about Ace?"

"I told you, I never have been. Not for an instant. I need you to remember that."

Luffy nodded. "I will. So long as you remember that I'm not mad at you at all for knocking me out, and that you shouldn't worry about me."

"I can't worry about you now?" Sabo said. "Come on, cut me some slack. I'm your big brother. I'm always going to worry about you."

Luffy giggled and said, "All right, you can. But only a little."

"It's a deal."

They were quiet for a moment after that, during which Sabo looked down at his hands. They were strong- of course they were, he'd trained them to be that way. They were capable of crushing a man's skull, of bending metal…but also of ruffling Luffy's hair and patting him on the back and hugging him and _touching him without hurting him_. He had to believe that.

He looked up suddenly and let a mischievous smile spread over his face.

Luffy frowned at him suspiciously but before he could react, Sabo had jumped at him and tackled him to the ground.

"Whoever can hold the other down for twenty seconds gets first dibs on the best meat at dinner!" Sabo shouted.

"Hey, no fair! You didn't warn me!"

"What, you expect your enemy to warn you when they're going to attack?"

"Sabooo!" Luffy howled, and while he sounded upset, he was smiling.

Sabo was smiling, too. He felt like he'd been transported back in time, to all their scuffles in the forest. He was half surprised when someone else didn't join in on the wrestling match, someone with black hair and freckles…

Ace was gone now, of course, but Sabo knew this was what he would want. He wouldn't want them to tiptoe around each other or doubt that the other cared about them. He'd want them to be themselves, even if it meant a sprained ankle or some moments of fear and worry.

Loving someone meant making mistakes. Loving someone meant apologizing for them and not letting them take you over. It meant letting yourself be forgiven. After everything Sabo had forgotten in his life already, he couldn't believe he'd forgotten that.

 _This_ was how the ASL brothers were supposed to be. Fighting over food on the floor of a pirate ship.

Unafraid.


End file.
